It’s Called, Venezuela

 “It’s called Venezuela.” – Michael Bloomberg’s criticism in response to Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s proposed wealth tax plan

In light of the increasingly crowded field of Democratic Presidential Candidates, I’ve decided to announce that I am seriously considering a bid for the White House. Even though I’m still just mulling it over and not at all firmly decided on running now that it’s proven favorable for rich guys, I thought it might be helpful to remind you where I stand. As Americans, we need to focus our energy on many issues, none of which include raising taxes, which would be reckless and dangerous. Raising taxes doesn’t work. Need proof? I’m glad you asked. It’s called, Venezuela.

I understand that certain Representatives might seem hip with their “fresh ideas” and their “forward thinking”, but taxes are the opposite of what we need. It’s true that if we want to turn this country around, we’ll need to make some serious changes. But imposing a marginal tax rate? Bad idea. Raising taxes, even by the slightest amount, could upset the entire economic system. And by economic system, I mean the precise mechanisms that have helped me acquire $47.5 billion, which is more than the GDPs of Tunisia, Lithuania, Ghana, and Jordan respectively. We should keep taxes the way they are. Anything else would be careless. Anything else would throw our country into chaos. Anything else would be, Venezuela.

Now I’ll admit, I don’t know much about this Green Deal, but my first question is: how are you going to pay for it? Sure, I wholeheartedly supported spending $2.4 trillion on the Iraq War without batting an eye, but that was different. It may seem “de mode” to throw around starry-eyed, pie-in-the-sky ideas. Listen, I’m all for protecting the environment, but raising taxes is not the way to do it. Yes, I’m the 8th wealthiest individual in the most prosperous nation on Earth. And no, I definitely won’t live long enough to suffer in the inevitable meteorological hellscape of our own creation, but do you know what an even worse hellscape looks like? Allow me to buy you a plane ticket to Caracas. One-way. Buena suerte, pal.  

Taxes, whether 70%, or any number above 0%, never work. Take it from me. I began my career with nothing but the sweat on my back and an MBA from Harvard University. I didn’t need any stinking taxes to pursue a career in private equity nor did I need any government involvement to bounce around various hedge funds accumulating astronomical heaps of cash. People in our country don’t want socialism, they want the freedom to make excessive wealth the way they please, because that’s what it means to be American. In fact, that’s the American dream. Taxes? A nightmare. You know where you can find more of those? May I point you to a little country bordering Colombia where socialism destroys everything?  

Oh and speaking of socialism, let me go right ahead and nip this whacky little Medicare-for-All concept in the bud. I’ve heard all the arguments about countries like Finland or Denmark, and I’m sick of them. The reality is, those countries are totally different from our own. Cherry-picking public policy comparisons between countries is irresponsible. Just because something works for them doesn’t mean it’ll work for us. Plus, those countries have high taxes. If you raise taxes here, you know what will happen? Poof. Better learn some Spanish amigo because now, you’re in Venezuela.

Even though I’m still chewing on the idea of a Presidential run, you should know that if I were to run—which I still can’t say for sure—it would be as a Centrist Democrat. What does that mean? It means that I believe our economy works just fine the way it is. In America, everyone has the opportunity to go out and make $47.5 Billion, just like I did. Which is not to say that the great majority of dollars are concentrated at the top. Our country isn’t some heartless plutocracy where a handful of disgustingly rich individuals control 99% of the wealth at the expense of the rest of the population. If you’re looking for that, don’t look here. Look south, past the equator. Down there lies socialism. Down there lies hell. Down there, lies Venezuela.

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